Manners For Americans, Explained

Manners For Americans-- Explained.
I know it's not healthy to fixate upon your shortcomings, be it personal, in your marriage, your job, or your countrymen, but I'm getting sick and tired of all those uppity European folks looking down their pasty noses at our lack of manners. Sadly, we've dropped below the ettiquette-standards of the Germans, who supposedly belch at the end of the meal in a show of gratitude. Our manners are even below that of the Scots, who used to carry daggers in their boots that could be employed either in the slicing and buttering of bread, or stabbing the host, should the need arise. Further still, our standards may even be lower than that of the Brits, who once believed that every man ought to eat one pound of red meat per day to retain his health, and freshen his breath with apple pie in lieu of toothpaste. (There for a while the mystical art of dentistry was all but lost on the Queen's own.) Oi. And, there was that time all across the whole of Europe, where they had to learn the hard way to separate themselves from their feces, or risk plague. France is still working this one out. Give them time, give them time. My fellow 'Merkins-- these are the folks calling us "Sloppy Americans." This means we are at code red at the table. Well, it's not really the table anymore, is it? Only a people as efficiency-driven as us could find a way to streamline dinner, farting on ourselves, and a movie into one masterful function. We've even shortened the title of such an event to "Date Night." We are some clever piglets, aren't we? Most of us (my house enthusiasticaslly included) no longer recall exactly what that structure-- yanno-- the one with the four legs and the flat top-- was originally used for. We hypothesize that the pilgrims once used such things for birthing babies-- but today it is where we keep our bills, old magazines, our car keys, and perhaps a bag of withered apples. But, for most of us, leaving food on such a structure seems a little out of place and maybe even unsanitary. I mean-- that thing could've had placenta on it!!!!! Ewwww.So, that in mind, I've drafted a few "live by" rules for the Dinner-Couch.Food consumed at the dinner-couch should be portioned out so that it does not slop over the sides of the plate. At all times, remember that the plate sits on your lap-- not the food itself, unless Wal-Mart has run out of styrofoam plates. In such a case, a wise host/hostess will circumvent the need for plates by ordering a pizza. Should Wal-Mart be out of styrofoam cups, it is not acceptable to simply pass the 2 litre 'round. A solution to this could be as simple as buying a case of beer. It is acceptable to stare blankly at any guest asking for a glass, but not ok to actually get them one unless they volunteer to wash dishes. However, if there is a major sporting event on t.v, and y'all support opposing teams-- it is perfectly acceptable to yell, "SCREW YOU BIOTCH, GIT IT URSELF, YOU MULLET-WEARIN' GOAT RAPIN' GOTS NO TALENT (insert team name here) FAN!" But, assuming Wal-Mart has kept a good stock of landfill edifying dinnerware for your convenience, most foods can easily be consumed without embarrassment at the dinner-couch. Just remember-- if it falls down the crack of the couch-- let it go. I cannot stress this enough. If you lose a chicken nugget, let it go. The smell will eventually alert the host/hostess to it's presence and subsequent need for removal. However, should you forget this little rule and go diving for it anyway, do remember this rule--YOU MUSTN'T EAT IT. The "5-second rule" is best applied to foods that land on hard, non-fuzzy surfaces. Picking the hair of your nugget makes you look a bit piggish. This is unfortunate but nonetheless true.It is of high importance that the last member sitting down to the dinner-couch be polite and ask if anybody requires an eating stick, paper towel, or another beer. If you are having Army/Navy (etc) buddies over to watch sports, it is advisable to use a beer-filled cooler as a foot-rest, and just bring the roll of paper towels. Eating sticks are a wasted effort in this situation.If you are having a quiet evening with a significant other, and he/she serves spaghetti, or some other hard-to-manuever-on-the-couch type of food-- rest assured, your significant other doesn't love you. They are trying to make your life miserable by making you work to eat your dinner. Find a new significant other immediately.If it is summertime, and you are sunburnt, it is NOT OKAY to work at peeling off the scorched skin at the dinner-couch. Go outside to do that, you nasty-ass! Same applies to toenails and boogers.Farting is only semi-okay-- but only if you are SURE it will be silent and you can get away with it. This works best in groups of 3 or more. Blaming your wife/girlfriend is hilarious in the correct setting, but if it's just y'all two-- she might be on to your little scheme.Okay! Now just follow these simple rules and we will all be able to hold our heads a little higher!